A Little Less Mrs. Smith

The last few days I kept trying to find the right words for how this year is going to go. Words that usually flow from my fingertips so easily, evaded me. Why? Because some where in me I finally realized it doesn’t have to be a new year, a new moth, a Monday. The answer has to come from me. I am not going to tell everyone I am on a diet. I am not going to tell everyone “I am on a diet” or “I am going to lose this much weight.” I am going to use my new technique called “The Quiet Storm” I am just going to do it.

Now The Quiet Storm is nothing particular. It is made up by me, in my head. The only step I can think of is this time, I am going to believe I can do it. I believe I can do it. Something bone deep. I have done it before. Before I got pregnant with P, I lost 50 pounds. Last year at my best weigh in, I was down 28. I am starting this year at 252, with is 4 pounds down from last year. Which is overall, better than a gain or starting back where I was.

Here are a few things I am going do:

1. Go back to drinking lots of water and no pop. Caffeine gives me headaches anyways.

2. Make healthier choices. Even if it is something small, every little change will help. Eventually small choices will lead to bigger ones, and eventually lead me to bigger success. I went to a intuitionalist last year and she taught me t o “make healthier choices” I am going to use that this year.

3. I am going to stay motivated by regularly checking in and trolling things online. It will help keep my head in the game.

4. Exercise. I am going to treadmill 3-4 times a week. 6 minute abs a couple of times a week. Also anything that I watch while it is DVRed upstairs I am going to do some reps with hand weights.

5. The most important thing is I am going to constantly tell myself I can do this. I believe in myself.

Now on to my resolutions:

1. Be Positive.

2. Believe in myself.

3. Get to church.

Peace, Love, and TGIF,

Nicole

There is something about the holidays that always brings my attention back to how fat I am. Every outfit i put on, every party I go to, every pic snapped is a moment where my hate for myself wells up and overwhlems me. It chokes off my happiness, and makes me not count my blessings which are abundant, and makes me wonder why I am blessed when I am such ahideous person. I feel like my outside mars the beauty of my inside.

I’m talkin with the man in the mirror, I’m askin him to change his ways…. 

Hi everyone. I hope things are going better for you than they are for me, diet/exercise wise. Ovferall, life is going good. I am trying to find my wayback. I am excited for the next season of Biggest Loser. New Year is about to start.  Maybe I can shed this old me.

 We’ll see.

I started exercising LAST November at this time, weighing in at 256 pounds, 258 before the new year. A year later I am down (drum roll please) o 245 pounds. At one point I was down 28 pounds. What happened to me?

Why do I never believe I am worth it?

Why can I NOT stop eating?

The last few weeks I totally gave up food and have been just eating candy. It is terrible.  So I am here,, blindly feeling around, seeing if I can find my way.

I cleaned out my friend list and the blogs I was subscribed too.

I am off to bed.

 Good night everyone/.

-Nicole

I have been doing excellent this week meeting my goals. I ahve been drinking nothing but water or milk.  As of thursday I have  walked 3 times (and I will walk again today) on the treadmill, and not just walked but at some points I have bumped up and jogged!  I ahve done 6 minute abs 3 times, so I need 2 more of that, and have done the Biggest Loser Power Sculpt twice.  I am on target to meet my goals. I think I am just going to add onemore thing to next weeks goals.

I ahve my Biggest Loser Pictures on my digital camera. I may not win the competition but I hope to see some changes by the end in ME!

This week I am going to:

• drink plenty of water. Nothing but water or milk
• do 6 minute abs 5 days this week
• do Biggest Loser Toning 3 days this week
• Walk on the treadmill for 20 minutes (or outside) 5 days this week.
• Eat cereal everyday for breakfast.

I am going print this out and  keep track at my desk to make sure I stay on point!

This week I am going to:

1. Make sure I am drinking enough water
2. I am going to work on increasing my exercise. I have been doing good of doing 15 minutes daily 5 days a week, but that is not how hard I was working a few months ago.
3.  I am also going to kick off this week by eating a serving of cereal everyday for breakfast.  Just to start getting back in the habit of eating healthier.
4. I am going to not constantly think of LF (Little F*er is the name I gave my lump)

Thank you for all the support. I promise to keep everyone updated on  LF’s U/S and how my bloodwork goes.

As for all of the drama this past week on here:

 I hope this new week starts out fresh and drama free. Everyone’s behavior was excessive and ridiculous in my opinion. If you cannot resolve your issues, take it to Dr. Marc, who can check IP addresses and everything and may solve this craziness, or he may he will just say “Hey everyone grow up and not act like total psychos.” 

Everytime people piled thier support on any of the Drama Blogs, it brought those vile threads to the front of the home page. How psychotic does that make Buddyslim look? I think it made us look petty, pathetic, and crazy.  Imagine being a new member and seeing all that, would you have felt like you joined the most supportive site? or thinking about joining and just randomingly clicking the most popular entries, would you still have signed up?

As for the bible thumping, i feel like everyone’s religion is kind of your own business. I am very private with my Faith and with my political views.  When I read your God Filled entries, I don’t hate on you, I don’t always agree with you, and if I have nothing PRODUCTIVE and Supportive to contributre then I don’t.  Maybe we all need to relearn the old “If you don’t have anything nice to say don’t say anything at all.”

Just my 2 cents

Nicole

and there it is

I sit, our conversation almost of student and teacher and we go over things.
“Lie back” So I do, and the paper crinkles beneath me. I feel large and awkward which has been the theme of my life since age 11. Modesty departed me when I gave birth to Pammy. Her hands explore, softly routinely, gentle and firm. My heart is beating nervously. Maybe I imagined it. The search seems endless. Then from across a million miles her voice says “Here it is.” and now it is true. It can’t be taken back, wished away, or pushed to a corner of my mind that it never really existed.

We continue to talk as if what just happened didn’t make my world seemingly go flat.The nurse is calling the hospital making me an appointment for an u/s. I think of the excitement and worry and joy that went into all of the other u/s’s I have had. The little baby swimming inside of me, “Hello there, are you a boy or a girl?” even though in my heart I knew her. The 2nd time, “So you are the little girl that has been making Mommy so sick!” It isn’t until I hear her say “Left Breast, 3 O’clock” that the tears slowly start sneaking out of my eyes.

I wait numbly for my prescription. I pay my co-pay, and don’t start crying openly until I shut the van door behind me. Inside my head I am screaming “ITS NOTHING” and on some level, I know that is true. I know it is. It will be. I feel like at any minute I might just go nuts. I call Ray, I ramble on about the Doctor’s appointment, stretching it out, not wanting to say it out loud. As if mentioning it will give it power. IT IS NOTHING. I hysterically start sobbing to Ray about the scheduled u/s and the blood work (just to be safe) and I hear the shock in his tone. He recovers quickly and says all the right things to make me not go crazy. I love him for a million reasons and the way he makes me feel balanced is just one. I know it will be fine, but I know it kind of scared us both shitless.

I drive home, and blurt out the news to my Mom. “YOU’LL BE FINE. I know it.” I nod and cry a little and then try and push it out of my mind. I go to work. Do I tell anyone? Do I tell no one? Is telling people going to give this tiny pebble power over me? If it is nothing, if it is NOTHING, should I just not say anything? Just sit here and keep saying it is my head until I believe it? Because part of me knows, it really is going to be okay. No matter how this play out from this point on, Ray and I have always been a team and we always be a team, and we will get through it. But when you hear there is a lump, it is scary. It is NOTHING and EVERYTHING in the same breath.

I try it out, telling my Aunt’s, my sister, and my cousin. I feel guilty like I am burdening them with a worry that is unneccessary. Saying it outloud is scary. IT IS NOTHING. But it sits in there just reminding me that it can’t be totally nothing or I would not have an appt. next Thursday.

I am 28, it is going to be a benign cyst, and I am going to feel so relieved that I expended so much energy worrying about NOTHING.

So today is my first day back to work after our staycation, and Danielle had some 5 AM drama.  I finally get her back to sleep and  Ray’s alarm goes off. He takes down the baby gate and I drift off to sleep and Pammy comes sneaking in with freezing feet. Then Ray leaves for work and everyone is quiet……….and we slep in! (But not too late but just late for else) so as I sit here I am tinking “Man I am way ahead of schedule” I glance down at the clock and realize, uhhh no I am not ahead of schedule, and I better get going.

Have a Nutritious Day!

Nicole

So I am finishing up my vacation this week. I took a spur of the moment vacation last week because things at my job where becoming…….too much.  I just feel stressed.

Last Friday I had a job interview for a NORMAL job. 8-5 MOnday-Friday no nights, no weekends. I won’t hear anything for 2 weeks. Please keep me in prayers that i get a call back.  I sent a thank you thank you for the interview. It was my first interview since I was 16 and worked at Shop N Save.

Diet and exercise….out the window this week. But I am ready to get back on the wagon. Looking forward to fall, to BL new season, and some changes.

Drunken weirdness in my family, sorry!

Peace, Love, and a brand new day,

Nicole

PS I caught up with everyone on my subscribed list, sorry I have been MIA but I will try and be around more  to keep me accountable.