A Little Less Mrs. Smith

I feel so lost. Where should I start? I feel like there are almost 2 versions of me, the motivated “I deserve this” girl and the “being fat is easier” girl” and that everyday is a constant struggle. I keep losing.    I feel like alot of my buddies go through this same thing.  Lose some weight, get a little over confident, gain some back, get discouraged, then rally.  I need to rally majorly because my eating is ridiculous. I feel like Ray, my Mom, and Aunt Honey are all sabatoging me whether they realize it or not.

My Mom: I come to pick up the girls she has cookies and cupcakes fresh from the oven, and sends some home for RAY. Now she KNOWS, KNOWS how hard it is to lose weight. She knows, she used to be over 300 and is now somewhere in the 200’s. She knows what it was like growing up for me…..and yet……she is the original food for comfort girl and her legacy must continue.

Aunt Honey: Makes me huge lunches, sends over chicken in gravy, boxes of her homemade cookies, and THEN ASKS HOW MY DIET IS GOING!  Literally she will make Ray a box of his favorite cookies and me a box of mine, why?

The trouble is they both act so offended  when you say no, and then I feel so guilty throwing it away, and I am so weak. There I said it. If temptation isn’t there I don’t go looking for it. But if temptation is siting in my fridge I buckle.  I am going to lay down the law. I have to. I cannot keep doing this to myself.  Dicking around in the same 5 pound zone, up and down like a carasoul on an endless cirlce never getting ahead of myself.

Ray- He is just infuriating. He KNOWS how bummed I am about my bike breaking and how even though the pedal broke, that I feel embarassed. I feel like shit over it and he tells his BROTHER!  He has no clue why I would be infuriated.  Are you kidding me!!!! Then on top of it. I reverted  to my old eating yesterday and I ate a big dinner and he  1. Told Brian what I was eating, WTF! This is the guy that takes a swiss cake roll and a fudge round in his lunch EVERYDAY. A JUMBO Sand. everyday for lunch with mayo! The guy that eats the biggest portion of pasta that I have ever seen…..So he tells Brian I break the bike “and he explains that it needed the pedal welded and that it had been making noises for a while  but he couldn’t figure out what was wrong, all i heard was “My FAT WIFE BROKE HER BIKE” in my head. Then he is like  :”I tell Nicole to get a snack and she gets herself____ and _” WTF! He ate dinner at 5. I hadn’t eaten lunch since 1:00 and hadn’t eaten anything. Why would he humiliate me like that to Brian. The CRAZY thing is jhe knows he F’ed up and apoligized.  BUT karma owed me this for opening my mouth like months ago about something else at the wrong time so I was owed this. I went ballisitic. He feels bad, because you know what. He loves me as is. I ahve always been fat and he is 230 pounds so he has NEVER made a comment about my weight. He is always attracted to me. It was like his mouth got in front of his brain. But I am still jacked.

I `feel like the Only support i get is here and i am struggling at best

So my aunt dee gave me a bunch of  WW stuff and I am going to look at it and give it a try.

the kids are having a mutinany

if you read this you are a saint

  He constantly is “Lets go through drive through”  “Lets order pizza”

Today I took the girls for a 45 minute walk. Before working 11 1/2 hours. I think I must be insane. I am still at work. I did really good on my eating today and Monday.  Thanks to everyone that said my bike broke because I worked it so hard. That made me feel a little bit better.

I am beyond bummed!! the pedal where it is welded snapped. snapped. How fat do you have to be to break an exercise bike?(the correct answer must be 235 pounds I guess)   UGH.

I gained a pound and weighed in at 235. =(  You get what you get, and you don’t get upset I guess.   My eating was terrible last week. I exercised 5 days which is great but I really really had to force myself every time.

But even with a plus one I am feeling great. Today is my birthday! In general my birthdays suck. And by the ugly sunglasses and crappy jewelery box Ray came in with I can see this one will not be much different……but he tries. At this point my expectations are low so when I poined out that I have 3 seperate hideous jewelery boxes and I would be happy to add it to the collection he wasn’t offended, He said Pammy picked it so I had to keep it but that i could return the glasses (He set a hot pan on my other brand new ones and melted them and couldn’t remember what they looked like….)

But despite the lack of awesome gifts. I am so blessed and lucky. I used to think no one ever would or could love me. That I didn’t deserve it. I used to always picture myself with kids but usually a single Mother like my Mom was. But I found Ray and we LOVE each other. Maybe not in the passionate tongue kissing can’t stop touching each other movie way….but in a deep happy and compatiable way. He is my best friend and I cannot imagine doing this…life with anyone else. We have 2 beautful daughters that are healthy and a big outer famuily that is close and loves us. I am so lucky. BLESSED

In more shallow happy, my size 24 shorts slip right on, I wore them into work yesterday and everyone was making a big deal about how great my legs were looking and then I went and bought 2 size 24 shirts and it felt good to be out of 26/28. (and to give myself something Ilike for my birthday.)

Danielle is having issues so I will stop my long ramble.

Down with the pounds (and the every other week gains)

Nicole

I just finished reading certain Girls, a abook by Jennifer Weinstein (not sure on the last name) She wrote Good in Bed and this is about the same character Cannie. I loved it. I just cried for like 40 minutes staright finishing it. If you have read it or read it send me a message or leave me a note and let me know what you thought.

My eating is terrible this week. Twice I had to FORCE myself on the exercise bike. Food is always my downfall! So I called a nutrionalist or Dietician and left a message. Hopefully they call back so I can set up an appointment.

Going to catch up with everyone!

Down with the pounds (Emotional Eating is a crutch!)

Nicole

I took a blood test today and the results are not in yet. But even though I was so so sure I was pregnant, I started spotting today. I am disappointed and happy as well. NOW WHEN IT IS TIME TO HAVE A BABY HOPEFULLY i WILL BE DOWN EVEN MORE WEIGHT.

Checkout that pic. Look how thin my face looks -22 looks good on me.

So last week I weighed in at 239 pounds. Today I weighed in at 234, so I was pumped. I passed 236 (where I was before I gained) and lost 2 pounds.

My period is still not here and I am not worrying about…sort of. 8 days late! I am never late!

Pammy had her dance show last night and it went well. 

Off to make brunch!

Nicole

I just need to let this out somewhere.

I think I might be pregnant. I stopped breastfeeding about 2 months ago. I finshed out the last dose of my low hormone birth control  and called to get a new script called in. The new script wasn’t covered by my insurance. So I call and they re-call me in my low hormone pill, which I thought was odd BUT I have trouble with migraines (stopping the b/c to figure out the cause of the migraines brought me Danielle) So I figured it would be fine, but I was late starting them,. I should have started the pills Sunday…and I started them Tuesday but I doubled them up on Tuesday and Wednesday and didn’t have unprotected sex for over 48 hours to be safe.

So 2 weeks later Ray and I went away for our romantic weekend……and from Thursdayto Sunday I had an upset stomach. I will just say I number 7′ed alot.  So then my period should have come last Friday. When I was on my birth control last time my period always came on Tuesday ALWAYS. Never Monday, maybe occassionally Wednesday.  But I took those pills late at the beginning of the month so maybe it will be late….and I go online to do research……and it says if you Vomit or #7 within 3 hours of taking this medication use a back up method for 48 hours. Are you kidding? I spent my romantic weekend doing 2 things…..and I thought for the one thing the birth control was my protection!

So I took a test yesterday and it said no…..BUT with Pammy I had a negative and a week later a positive.  With Danielle I took like 5 tests and they all said negative then like 2-3 weeks went by the Dr was about to give me a pill to bring my period on, and I tested one last time, and woops there was Danielle.

So now that i am down 20 lbs I have lost most of that from my boobs it seems and my bras have been increasingly baggy….or have they. Yesterday when I put on my bra my boobs looked fuller in the cups. Tomorrow morning I am going to test again. 

Yesterday i did so good until the end, I ate a sand. and 3 cookies before bed. I could not feel panicked anymore, so of course I ate my panic. I mean the first time I brought it up to Ray (we have a PLAN!)  he was all casual because he doesn’t realize how serious I am……and then when I brought it up again he made like a snorting sound and said something like “It is probably your body getting back used to the pills”  but it wasn’t like “if you are pregnant we will be fine finacially and we can still move and this is the best time”

If we are pregnant I know it is a blessing because Ray and I always have a plan and it is God letting us know that our plan might not be his Plan.

I will react

1. I will cry with panic and happiness.  I will possibbly breakdown.

2. Then I will get it together, celebrate my blessing, and make a new Plan for what God wants.

If you read this, I really apreciate it. I mean I don’t know who to talk to. We are looking at moving….and my Mom thinks we might move 20 minutes away and that would be just too far….and she just said last week, “when you have that 3rd baby and you want me to come over so you can shower or nap, don’t think I will drive 20 minutes”

Thanks for listening.

Nicole 

Yesterday I stayed with in my calories even while eating 2 servings of swedish fish, (I seen they make 100 cal swedish fish packs I need  to get some of those). I exercised before my 9 hour shiftr, in the ridiculoous heat. I am back in the game baby!

Today Iplan on playing in the girls baby pool because it is so hot, working on getting a tan, eating healthy, and exercising when the ladies nap.

I also plan on the less exciting, fold 4 baskets of laundry, scoop the kitty litter, and signing Pammy up for the summer reading program at the library. Oh and Eat Dee might cut the girls bangs for me!

Have a great day y’all.

Down with the pounds, and up with my confidence

Nicole

I gained 3 lbs this week. Not really thrilled with that! I did the same old slip up. Had some good losses, got  over confident, this won’t hurt, and here I am. Up 3 lbs.  It is like when I am losing weight I have to be so focused, as soon as a real life thing comes along and I am not focused, things start getting out of control. I hate that.

Here is to a better week, starting today, not on MOnday!@

Nicole